


Saving Friends from Drowning

by ABakersTrilogyHasFourBooks



Category: Ghostbusters (2016), Ghostbusters - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Depression, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Holidays, Holtzmann's giant wonderfully weird family, Internal Conflict, Plagiarizing my personal life, Road Trips, Slow Burn, Thanksgiving, The importance of communication, people who are terrible at making travel plans, weird gifts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-19 11:41:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8205061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ABakersTrilogyHasFourBooks/pseuds/ABakersTrilogyHasFourBooks
Summary: Abby struggles with overwhelming hopelessness and wants to give up, thinking no one will notice. Holtzmann notices.





	1. Chapter 1

Abby was in a slump. She was actually starting to fear that it was more than just a slump. She was used to her moods going up and down in response to her hormones cycling each month, but this was different. She’d felt a darkness settle over her about a month after they saved the city, around the time that things had settled down and life had returned to normal, or at least, something more predictable. At first, it felt like she was treading water. She felt the darkness pulling at her, but she was able to tamp it back down and keep her head above the water by kicking her feet. She figured it was just PMS or some kind of funk, but when the feeling persisted beyond just a few days, she began to feel like she was starting to drown.

She wanted to reach out, to tell someone, Erin or Holtzmann, what was happening. But the words wouldn’t come to her. She didn’t know how to explain how she felt or why she felt that way. She should have been on cloud nine. They were heroes, after all. Their hard work had paid off and they had saved innocent people from a terrifying fate. They were living comfortably for the first time. They had a beautiful facility in which to conduct research and plenty of funding to boot. But instead of soaring, she was being pulled under, into dark water. 

Abby tried to nail down what she was feeling, tried to put words to it. It was as though she were underwater, looking up. She could see the light of the sky through choppy seawater but she couldn’t claw her way to the surface to fill her lungs with the cool, sweet air she desperately needed. At first, she’d been able to bob up and gasp in mouthfuls of air here and there. She’d been able to keep calm because her feet found solid ground and she could push her head above water again. 

She didn’t understand why she was feeling this way, so she tried to keep busy and avoid overthinking things. She was pretty sure she looked normal on the outside despite what she was struggling with internally. She was pretty sure no one had a clue what she was going through and as far as she was concerned, that was the way it was going to stay. She helped Erin edit their book and prepare it for submission to a new publisher. She tried out different weapons that Holtzmann created in her second floor lab. She peeked at maps that Patty enthusiastically brought to her attention and encouraged her when she mentioned going back to school. These things helped, for a while. But at night, when it was dark and quiet in her apartment, the feelings of hopelessness returned. The longer these feelings persisted, the more helpless she felt. She didn’t want to hurt herself, she didn’t want to die, she just wanted to sink into the darkness. She was tired of fighting, tired of trying to go through the motions of life while a heaviness weighed down upon her. She was going to stop thrashing and allow herself to sink into the darkness.

~~~

Thanksgiving was approaching and Holtzmann was looking forward to it for the first time in a long time. The past few Thanksgivings had been hugely disappointing, but not this year. This year, she had the money to fly to the Midwest to visit her family. All of her siblings would be there, even Candace, a zoologist studying penguins in the arctic who rarely made it home for the holidays. She hadn’t seen her younger sister, as well as some of her other siblings, in years. Her brother James and his wife Kelly would be there with their baby, her nephew Charlie. Mikey and Jared were flying in from California. Natalie were coming, and of course, Carrie, who still lived at home, would be there too. She missed her family so much. But this year, she’d be there. For five days, four whole nights, she’d be there, surrounded by Holtzmanns. There would be food and games and absurd traditions galore. She couldn’t wait. 

The week before the trip, Holtz started getting things ready. She attempted to teach Kevin how to care for her chinchillas but gave up after he suggested taking them for walks and asked Benny to watch them instead. She did several walk throughs of her lab, checking to be sure that everything delicate was put away and that anything dangerous was safely stored under lock and key. 

The Monday before Thanksgiving, the Ghostbusters gathered for one final meal together. Erin was braving a trip home to see her parents, with whom she’d been trying to make amends. Patty was going to her sister’s house for a few days. Abby had been invited to her parents’ home but had not committed yet. They talked and laughed over takeout and Holtzmann noticed that Abby was quieter than normal. Patty was going on and on about her sister’s world class pumpkin cake and Abby, a huge fan of pumpkin flavored desserts, didn’t seem to be paying attention in the least as she picked at her Sesame Chicken. Holtz thought that Abby had seemed distracted lately. 

When the meal was over, they shared hugs and see-you-laters. Erin and Patty shared a cab to the airport. Holtz’s flight wasn’t until late the next night (flying red-eye had saved her money) and she had decided to check the capacity of the containment unit one last time before she left for her apartment. Upon finishing, she flipped the lights off in the lab, locked the door and pocketed the key as she descended the stairs. She found Abby curled up on the couch, Friends reruns playing on the TV.

“Oh, is this the one where the fridge breaks and Joey eats all the food?” Holtz asked with a grin. She’d always seen Joey as a sort of food icon for herself. 

Abby startled a little, “What? Oh, um, I think so...” and Holtz realized she wasn’t even looking at the TV. Abby’s eyes had bags under them and she looked lost in her own little world. 

“What’s going on, Abs? You haven’t been yourself lately. Everything OK?” Holtzmann asked, settling herself on the coffee table in order to face her friend. 

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Everything’s fine. I’m just tired.” Abby removed her glasses and rubbed her eyes with a sigh. Holtz wasn’t sure she believed her. Back when they’d worked at Kenneth P. Higgins together, Abby had been known for her ability to function without sleep. Sure, Holtzmann herself regularly pulled all-nighters, but she would crash later, pass out in a pile of paperwork or curl up under a lab table. Not Abby. Abby would drink gallons of coffee and retain the majority of her sanity. Eventually, she’d get a solid 12 hours of sleep and be back to normal. This tired, listless Abby seemed different from the friend Holtz had come to know. She started to feel a little worried but she didn’t want to make Abby uncomfortable, so she decided on a change of subject. 

“Have you decided if you’re going home?” 

“I think I’m just going to stay here. I waited too long to buy a flight and now they’re all booked,” Abby replied, shifting into a sitting position. This too, was unlike her. Abby enjoyed the holidays and while she was no Erin, she was pretty good at planning things out in advance. 

“Do you want to come home with me? My parents would love to see you again,” Holtzmann smiled at the memory of the last time her parents had come to visit, back before the whole Ghostbusters thing had started. Abby had convinced them all to have a game night and her ultra-competitive nature had made things fun. She got quite loud after being the first person out in four consecutive games of Spoons, and as the evening progressed, had even convinced Holtz’s dad to do shots with her. It had been a blast. 

“Oh, I don’t want to impose. Plus, I’m sure it’ll be impossible to find a seat on that flight.” Abby replied, the edges of her mouth curving upward a bit, “But thanks for offering. I would like to see them again sometime.” Holtz looked at her for a moment, analyzing her friend’s face and body language. Her pretty green eyes lacked their usual sparkle, her posture was slumped and she was wearing sweats. Not that there was anything wrong with sweats, but Abby had always made a point not to wear them. “They’re just not flattering, on anyone, at anytime,” she had said, which Holtz thought was a fair point. Holtzmann needed to know that her friend was OK, and suddenly, a crazy idea came to her. What better way to figure out what was going on with someone than to be trapped with them in a car for 18 hours?

Holtz grabbed Abby’s shoulders and squeezed gently, “You know what? You’re coming with me. We’re going to road trip it! It’ll be the best. If we leave soonish,” Holtz looked at her watch, “we’ll probably make it there before my flight would have arrived anyway.” Abby’s eyes widened and she was quiet for a moment.

“But what about your flight? I know it wasn’t cheap, not this close to a holiday.”

Holtz shrugged, “I’m pretty sure I can rebook it for later. Maybe Christmas. It’s no big deal!” she waved her hand in a gesture of dismissal. 

“Well, I hate to impose on your family’s holiday. My mom always gets mad when my brother brings friends without asking. I don’t want to upset Mama Holtzmann,”

“Psh, not possible. She loves you. And she always makes a TON, so she’ll be happy to have an extra person to help eat it. Trust me,” Holtz grinned. This was all true. Her mom loved getting to know her children’s friends, already loved Abby, and often made enough leftovers to feed her army-sized family for a week or more, ‘til everyone swore they’d never touch turkey or stuffing again. 

Abby was out of excuses and decided to take this lifeline Holtz was throwing her. Maybe she’d be able to help pull her out of this dark place after all. “OK,” she said, nodding as a genuine smile crept across her lips, “I’ll do it.”

Holtz jumped up and pumped a fist into the air, “Yessss! This is going to be great. Road trippin’ with my best bud, visiting with the complete set of Holtzmann offspring, feasting. SO MUCH FEASTING! Get excited. GET EXCITED! I’m going to go pack the car!” 

Abby felt a flicker of light inside her as she watched her crazy friend prance out to the garage. Maybe she wasn’t completely hopeless after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby and Holtz road trip to visit the Holtzmann family in the Midwest.

The drive started quietly. Holtz encouraged Abby to get some sleep, that she might need her to take over as the driver after a while. Holtz was convinced they could make the trip without stopping to stay somewhere, as long as they catnapped and timed their caffeine consumption accordingly. 

Jillian had started loading up the Ecto-3 when she realized taking Abby’s beat up old Honda would be a much more economical choice, as far as miles to the gallon were concerned. Abby hadn’t driven the old car in quite some time and had considered selling it multiple times, but nostalgia had beat out sensibility and she’d paid exorbitant parking fees until they saved the city. She was able to keep it in the garage at the firehouse for free and had abandoned all premises of attempting to sell it. Holtzmann quickly changed the oil before they packed it full and headed straight for the nearest gas station. Holtz squinted her eyes like she was doing a difficult math problem, “I’ve got to drink enough coffee that I don’t pass out at the wheel...but not so much that I have to pee more than one time. Hmmm…” her eyes skimmed the coffee and creamer station set up at the 7-11 that was the starting point for the trip. 

Holtz kept her music low while Abby tried to get some sleep. She watched her friend shift in her seat, leaning a pillow against the door of the passenger side only to flip it to the other side moments later. After a few restless moments, Abby stilled. Holtzmann considered taking her glasses off for her but decided it was best not to attempt it one-handed. She smiled at the dribble of drool that slowly leaked out of her best friend’s mouth. Abby looked more peaceful than Holtz had seen her in a while. Holtz knew something was going on, but she was not sure what and she knew better than to push Abby before she seemed ready to talk. 

They’d been friends for five years and Holtz was grateful that this funny, smart, fiercely loyal woman was part of her life. She had applied for a lab assistant job at Kenneth P. Higgins and had randomly been assigned to work with Abby. She’d honestly had her doubts about the existence of ghosts (up until the moment she saw one face to face at the Aldridge Mansion) but she had liked Abby instantly and would have believed in just about anything to keep working there with her. Holtzmann didn’t really have friends growing up. She had six siblings that she loved and enjoyed being around, but in school, she was bullied relentlessly until her parents made the decision to pull her out after first grade. Homeschooling allowed her to focus on her one true love, science, which she was grateful for. She knew that homeschooled kids these days had lots of opportunities to make friends, but when she was growing up, there weren’t many chances to connect with other kids. Jillian would have been quite lonely if it weren’t for her brothers and sisters. College was better in that rather than bullying her, people pretty much left her alone. She was always the youngest in her classes and often the only female student as well. She dove into the wonderful worlds of physics and engineering, graduated with her doctorate, and worked for the government for a short while before she realized her work there didn’t align with her moral code. She stumbled into the job at Higgins and despite the fact that she was ten years younger than her and new to the world of the paranormal, Abby instantly embraced her, quirks and all, without batting an eye. It was because of Abby that Holtzmann now had Erin, Patty and Kevin in her life and an exciting and fulfilling career as a Ghostbuster. She would do anything for her friend and she was bound and determined to figure out what was wrong and help her fix it. But for now, she knew she just needed to watch and wait.

~~~

Abby awakened to the sound of Holtzmann singing softly and a tingling sensation creeping up her arm, which had fallen asleep from the weight of being pressed between her pillow and the seat. She opened her eyes and briefly panicked about by how blurry everything appeared before she realized she was no longer wearing her glasses. 

“Morning, sunshine!” Holtz said, grinning at her. “I put your specs in the cup holder for ya.” Abby mumbled a thank you and pulled her glasses on. She was surprised to see how light it was outside.

“What time is it? How long was I asleep for?” Abby felt a pang of guilt that Holtz had apparently driven all night by herself.

Holtz gestured at the clock on the dash, “I’m not sure if that’s accurate, but if so, it’s nearly 6. You’ve been out for about five hours. Feel better?” Abby nodded. She hadn’t realized how exhausted she had been until that moment. 

“Good,” her friend replied, exiting the highway. “Cuz it’s time for a pit stop. I’ve needed to pee for about two hours now but I distracted myself calculating digits of pi. You’re welcome.”

~~~

“Now that you’re up, it’s time for some tunes,” Holtz said as pulled out her phone and handed it to Abby after their pit stop. “Pull up Spotify, the playlist is called Road Trip,” she said with a grin. Abby did as she was told and set the phone in the cup holder. Even with the volume turned as high as it was go, the sound was abysmal. 

“It’s going to be hard to hear anything over the traffic,” Abby commented. “I’m surprised you don’t just subscribe to Sirius or something.”

Holtz shook her head, “I want to be able to play my tunes wherever I am. And that’s usually in the lab. I actually get Spotify premium. No commercials for me! Now for the cool part. Get into that bag under the snacks and you will find my latest invention.” She wiggled her eyebrows and grinned, dimples creasing her cheeks at maximum depth. “The other day, Patty was jamming to a music video on YouTube, on her phone. She stuck it in a plastic cup while she was cooking and was so excited by the way it amplified the music. It was kind of precious, but streaming video killed her battery. I had to sign her up for Spotify. And I knew our girl needed some better speakers. So I made a set for her and a set for me. For occasions such as this.” Holtzmann had an incredible sound system in her lab but had been frustrated by the fact that she had to yield to the radio when she was on the go. She claimed that listening to commercials or DJ chatter ‘harshed her vibe’. 

Abby dug around a bit until she found what she assumed she was looking for. “Did you, uh, did you turn a fire extinguisher into a speaker?”

“I did indeed. There were so many empties laying around I had to come up with a plan for them. And it fits right in the cup holder!” Abby smiled and shook her head. “Now slip my phone in there and prepare to be amazed.” Abby did as she was told and she was shocked. The sound was incredible.

“You really are a mad scientist.” she remarked.

“Aww, Abs! You know how to make a girl blush,” Jillian squeezed Abby’s shoulder with the hand that was not on the steering wheel. “Now let’s do this thing!” she shouted as she clicked through her playlist until “I’m Gonna Be” came up. She caught Abby’s eye and they began to sing at the top of their lungs, windows rolled down despite the chill in the air. Abby felt her spirits lift. 

~~~

They passed the next few hours talking idly about work and Holtzmann’s family. Abby had had the opportunity to meet a few Holtzmanns in the past and she’d liked them all. Mr. and Mrs. Holtzmann had visited a handful of times in the years they’d been friends, bringing with them Holtz’s youngest sister, Carrie, who was now 14. They were friendly, warm people with fewer eccentricities than Abby had anticipated. They loved visiting New York City and had been eager to check out the typical tourist attractions. Abby, never one to pass up a trip to the Statue of Liberty, had tagged along one day and was touched when tears sprang to Mrs. Holtzmann’s eyes upon seeing the monument.

“She’s been such a symbol of hope for so many people, you know? I can’t imagine what it must have been like to see her after traveling across the ocean to get here.” Abby nodded, having pondered that herself before, and was surprised to see that Jillian’s eyes seemed misty too. 

Carrie, the youngest Holtzmann, adored her older sister and Jillian made a point of involving her in whatever project she had going in the lab. “I’ve got to show her how fun a career in science can be!” Holtz had confided to Abby. “She’s a smart kid, I want her to know that working hard pays off.” Abby was pretty sure that most scientists didn’t have as much fun as Holtzmann did. They definitely didn’t dance as much or start as many fires as she did, at least not the ones Abby had worked with in the past. Regardless, she found herself talking up the fun of studying science whenever Carrie was around. 

Abby had also gotten to know James, the oldest of the Holtzmann siblings. He had stayed with Jill a few times over the past few years when he was in town for business or a friend’s wedding. He was friendly and outgoing, but as a lawyer he was a bit more straitlaced than his wacky younger sister. Jamie and Jilly, as they called each other (the intent was to annoy but Abby knew they both secretly like it) had a special bond, despite their differences, and just seemed to understand what the other needed and how to easily provide it. Abby, who was not at all close with her brother, found this to be kind of surprising. As far as she knew, they didn’t talk to each other all that often, but on the rare occasion that Holtz was struggling with a decision or frustrated by a situation, she’d call her brother for his opinion and usually hang up the phone confident and resolute. James had actually met his wife, Kelly, on one of his stays in the city and Jill took complete credit for their relationship.

Jillian had assured Abby that all of her siblings were weird in different ways but that they all had their merits. She spoke fondly of teaching the twins their first pranks (they hosted a wildly popular YouTube channel now) and letting Natalie practice on her hair when she was in cosmetology school. Apparently it was Nat who had inspired her signature ‘do. Abby sighed inwardly, a little jealous of Holtzmann’s big, wild family. She and her parents got along fine but their conversations felt more like business transactions than anything. 

Finally, the lack of sleep caught up with Jill, who’d been running on gas station coffee, trail mix and a bag of Skittles. Abby convinced her to pull over and Holtz sprawled out across the back seat. Abby wasn’t sure how she managed to fall asleep so quickly in broad daylight over a rough patch of road, but she was out like a light, leaving Abby to navigate on her own for a while. She pulled up Google Maps on her phone and discovered she’d be driving on 1-70 for several hours. Abby couldn’t help but smile as she peeked at Holtz in the rear view mirror. Her friend looked so peaceful and innocent in her sleep. Her usual yellow goggles were off and her hair, which had mostly fallen out of its pins, was a mess of curls spilling around her shoulders. In that moment, she looked almost, well, normal. Like she could be any average woman, an insurance adjuster or a pharmaceutical rep or a receptionist rather than a weirdo genius. Abby hated to think what a normal Holtzmann would be like. Her quirks were what made her so much fun. She had taken an instant liking to Holtz from the moment they met, pleased to meet another confident woman scientist who was fully devoted to figuring out the universe and unafraid of being herself in the process. Abby hoped that Jillian would be in her life for many days to come. 

~~~

Finally, they turned onto the Holtzmanns’ street. Jillian bounced up and down in her seat, vibrating with anticipation. She pulled the car into her parents’ driveway and before she even had the engine off, the front door flew open and a young blond girl sprinted out, yelling and waving her arms excitedly.

“JILL!!! You’re HERE!” Jillian tossed the keys to Abby and threw open the car door. She scooped her younger sister into her arms, spinning her around.

“How’s my little Care-bear? I’ve missed you so much! You’ve grown at least a foot!” Several other Holtzmanns spilled onto the driveway to greet their eccentric sister. 

Abby slowly got out of the car and stretched, feeling a little awkward as Holtz and her family hugged and greeted one another. Suddenly, Jillian’s parents approached and Abby was wrapped in a warm hug by Mrs. Holtzmann, who she hadn’t realized she was on hugging terms with. Holtz’s mom smiled at her and looked her in the eyes fondly, rubbing her back gently.

“Rog and I are so glad you decided to join us, Abby! It’s such a pleasure to see you again.” Holtz’s dad came around and patted her on the shoulder with a kind smile, nodding in agreement with his wife. Abby wondered if Holtz had ever brought a friend home before and the thought that she might be the first one made her heart break a little. She decided then that despite the funk she was feeling, she was going to power through. This trip was about Holtzmann and she would do her best to make it a great week for her best friend.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby gets to know the Holtzmanns a bit better and forms an alliance.

The rest of the day was a whirlwind of everyone catching up with everyone. The day was full of noise and excitement and laughter and Abby found herself quite distracted by the herd of Holtzmanns. They played a game of lawn Jenga (Holtz’s dad barely beat her, Jillian complained that it was because he was eight inches taller than her) and watched all the Thanksgiving episodes of Friends. Holtz explained that these were Thanksgiving Eve traditions in their family. Abby didn’t have a minute to herself until she went to bed that night. 

Abby enjoyed a long conversation with Roger Holtzmann, Jillian’s dad, about her and Erin’s book. Roger had retired from teaching to focus on research in education and had been toying with the idea of compiling his findings into a sort of manual for new teachers. Abby enjoyed sharing her experiences in research and publishing with someone who was equally enthused by these topics. She promised to send him a copy of their updated book when it was released.

Abby was also treated to several episodes of Jared and Mikey’s YouTube show, _Seriously Joking_. She could not help but mentally compare the red-headed mischievous twins to Fred and George from the Harry Potter series, but did not voice this observation because Jill had warned her that they had heard it many times before and were tired of it. She was surprised by the production quality of their show, which was quite good. Their brand of humor, however, was a bit more slapstick than she preferred. It definitely had a Holtzmann feel to it. 

The sun went down and Roger announced that it was time to fire up the grill. Grilling on Thanksgiving Eve was another Holtzmann tradition despite the chill that hung in the Kansas air in November. It gave Renee some time to prep a few things for the next day’s meal without worrying about feeding the crowd. They threw burgers, hot dogs and brats on the grill along with corn on the cob. James and Jill got the fire pit going as well so they wouldn’t freeze in the crisp air. They sat around chatting, eating, and roasting marshmallows for s’mores. Abby felt her eyelids grow heavy. She was warm and full and snuggled comfortably into a camp chair between Holtz and her mom when she started to doze. 

She awoke a little while later to a gentle hand rubbing her shoulder. When she opened her eyes she saw Holtz smiling at her. The fire was dying and the majority of the family had turned in for the night. Jillian offered her a hand up and led her back inside. 

“Are you cool sleeping on an air mattress? I told Jamie and Kelly to take my old room. ‘Cause of the baby.” Abby nodded and Holtz led her to the second floor office, where two air mattresses were set up, sheets and pillows stacked neatly beside them. They slipped the bedding on and Holtz showed Abby where the bathroom was, leaving her to change clothes and brush her teeth. She felt kind of gross from being in the car for so long and then sitting by the fire, but decided a shower would have to wait until morning. She slipped into pajama pants and debated whether she should wear a bra to sleep or not. She always felt self-conscious about what to wear to bed when she wasn’t at home. She settled for wearing a semi-supportive camisole under a t-shirt and figured she wouldn’t scar anyone for life in that combination. She padded back to their makeshift sleeping quarters to give Holtz a chance to use the bathroom. 

Abby was surprised to see that Holtz had already gotten herself ready for bed. She donned a tank top and a pair of cotton shorts that were covered in blue and white panda bears. She was removing the last of the bobby pins from her hair, letting it fall in messy waves around her shoulders. She ran a brush through it and smiled at Abby, who tossed her toiletries back into her striped duffel bag. 

“Ready for bed, Fred?” Holtz asked with a smile. 

Abby nodded. The air mattress wasn’t perfect but it would hopefully be an improvement from the last two places she’d slept- the camp chair and the passenger seat of her car. She settled down onto the mattress and pulled the sheet up around her, turning onto her side to face her friend. 

“Thanks for bringing me with you. It’s been a really nice day.”

“Thanks for coming. I’m so glad you’re getting to meet everyone. Candace will get here in the morning. I haven’t seen her in three years!”

“Are you guys close?” Abby asked. She had not heard Jillian speak of Candace very often, but she did seem excited to see her sister. 

“Not really. I wasn’t very nice to her when we were kids. She stole my spot as the baby of the family.”

“Uh, lots of people stole that from you.”

“Sure, there’re five under me now. But up until my fifth birthday, it was just me and James. Then Candace came along and stole my birthday and ruined everything,” Holtz shrugged her shoulders. “At least, that’s how I saw it. So, we weren’t very close growing up.”

“I didn’t realize you shared a birthday. That would be a hard thing for a kid.” Abby had one brother, Andrew, who was four years older than her. They got along okay as kids but didn’t speak often. They lived in different worlds.

“It was a bummer. My mom and dad missed my fifth birthday because of her. Buuuuut I’m over it now. I swear! I’m excited for you to meet her.”

“Me too,” Abby replied, a huge yawn escaping her lips. 

“Good night, Abs. See you in the morning!” Jill squeezed her arm before rolling away. 

“Night, Holtz.”

~~~

Unfortunately, it was not a good night for Abby. She spent the next several hours tossing and turning and getting more frustrated by the minute as she struggled to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. She was absolutely exhausted, but it seemed her nap by the fire had sabotaged her circadian rhythm. She rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling and felt a sinking feeling. It appeared that the mattress had lost some air. This was not a good sign. Abby spent the majority of the night twisting restlessly on her rapidly deflating mattress. This gave her plenty of time to agonize over why she’d felt like such crap lately and how come she was struggling to get over it. She did not arrive at any conclusions but was determined to push the negative feelings down so no one would notice. Holtz seemed to be catching on and she didn’t want to worry her friend over what was surely not a big deal. 

By the time the first cracks of sunlight appeared through the mini blinds, Abby felt like the filling of a taco, the edges of the air mattress a shell that she had sunk inside. Her butt was touching the ground and her back was sore. She turned to her friend, wondering if she should wait for her to wake or get up on her own. Holtz’s eyes were closed, lips slightly parted, face completely relaxed and devoid of uniquely tinted eyewear. She looked so peaceful, so incapable of nuclear destruction, that Abby decided to let her rest. She quietly tiptoed out the door, carefully pulling it shut as not to wake the sleeping scientist. 

She entered the kitchen and discovered Renee was up and busy prepping the day’s meal. Perched on a barstool was a blond who could have passed for Holtz’s twin. Candace bore a striking resemblance to Holtz in face structure and features (she too had blue eyes and blond hair) but she was much more subdued that her sister. She was dressed casually, spoke softly, and did not seem likely to break into random dance moves. She turned when Abby entered the room and smiled, showing that she shared her older sister’s dimples.

“You must be Candace. I’m Abby, it’s nice to meet you!” Abby reached out and shook her hand before sitting herself on the barstool besides her. Renee greeted her and offered a cup of coffee, which Abby gratefully accepted. She didn’t say anything about the air mattress fiasco for fear of making Renee feel bad. 

The women chatted busily while chopping potatoes for the meal. Candace was an ornithologist who had spent the past three years studying penguins in Antarctica. She seemed pleased that her research would soon be taking her to South Africa. 

“I’ve enjoyed Antarctica, the cold doesn’t bother me. But it will be nice to work in a different landscape. We’re going to focus our efforts primarily on conservation, which will be fulfilling.” Candace told Abby while they worked. “So,” she said, “How long have you guys been together?”

“It’s been about five years since Jill started working with me at Higgins. We left there a few months ago to start up our own thing.”

“Right,” Candace said with a nod, “Jill’s been talking about your work together for years. I meant when did you start dating?”

“Oh! We didn’t. I mean, we aren’t. Sorry, I misunderstood you the first time you asked.” Abby swallowed, too tired to be embarrassed by the misunderstanding. “We’re just friends. And coworkers.”

“Shoot, I’m sorry. Guess I read that wrong,” Candace cleared her throat awkwardly, “So, tell me about the ghosts. Are they gone now that you’ve closed the portal? How do you stay in business?” Abby happily chatted about their business and what they were doing. An occasional ghost popped up for busting but they felt pretty confident that these were just leftovers and new ghosts were not being generated or otherwise crossing the barrier. Abby explained that they were primarily focusing their efforts on research and presenting their findings. 

Soon, the rest of the Holtzmanns were up and the kitchen grew busy as the real cooking began. Abby wanted to be helpful but was a wreck when it came to cooking so she promised that she would wash dishes. Despite her exhaustion, she kept busy by washing pots and pans as people were finished with them and helping 14-year-old Carrie set the table.

“So who are you going to pick for your team?” Carrie asked as she dragged Charlie’s high chair over to the table. 

“Team?” Abby was confused.

“Oh geez, I can’t believe Jilly didn’t tell you. We always have a scavenger hunt after dinner,” Carrie explained matter-of-factly, “And Mom usually says any guests should pick the teams. It’s less biased that way.” Abby was not surprised by this tradition nor the fact that Jillian had neglected to tell her about it. Her super competitive nature would have led her to obsess over how to win from the moment she knew the contest existed. 

“Interesting. Thanks for the heads up. Do you have any suggestions?” Abby asked. “How many teams will there be?” 

“Probably just two. There’s eleven of us counting Mom and Dad. Mom doesn’t play unless we need a tie breaker so we’ll have two teams of five. And I definitely can’t give you suggestions unless you promise to pick me first!” Carrie looked at her with a mischievous glimmer in her eye. Abby knew she needed all the help she could get if she wanted to win. Which she obviously did. She stuck out her hand and Carrie grabbed it with a smile.

“I’ll pick you first, I promise. Now fill me in on the perfect lineup.” 

~~~

Thanksgiving dinner was amazing. Not only was Mrs. Holtzmann an incredible cook, but the meal was so much more interesting with a table full of people. Abby remembered a few Thanksgivings with her extended family, but when her grandparents passed away, her aunts and uncles and cousins started celebrating with their own families. It was often just her and her parents eating together, sometimes her brother when he would make the effort. 

“It’s time to go around and say what we are thankful for!” Renee said with a smile as everyone was seated. Several groans arose, particularly from the brothers, but they participated, knowing they would have to in order to eat. Abby had wondered why there were no forks at the table when she sat down but discovered that they were handed out as everyone took a turn saying what they were grateful for. Mrs. Holtzmann was a smart woman. 

“I’m thankful you’re all in town so I can have time off school.” Carrie said when it was her turn. She was homeschooled and her parents allowed her to take the entire week off while her siblings were in town. They continued going around the table in what Abby thought was a nice tradition. 

“I’m thankful for my best buddy Abby for making this trip with me.” Jillian smiled at Abby, nose crinkling. “It’s a long time to be stuck in the car with yours truly. She handled it like a champ!”

Abby smiled back, “I’m thankful for being included. This is probably one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve ever had,” she turned her eyes to Jill’s parents, “I really appreciate you including me so last minute.” They both nodded. 

“I’m thankful that our family continues to grow and expand,” Roger said, ruffling baby Charlie’s hair. “Now let’s eat!” With that, the forks were passed out and the feasting began. Abby started with her stuffing, which was hot and delicious. She loved Thanksgiving, although turkey wasn’t her favorite. She’d always felt the side dishes were what made it so great. 

“So, when were you going to tell me about the scavenger hunt?” Abby asked Holtz as she dug into her green bean casserole. Holtz’s eyebrows shot up as she chewed a mouthful of roll and eyed several of her siblings to see if she could determine who had spilled the beans. Carrie spoke up immediately. 

“That’s right, I told her! We’re allies now, right Abby?” 

“Absolutely we are. And we’re taking you down!” Abby replied, high-fiving Carrie across the table. Holtz had finished chewing and looked amused. 

“Is that so? Well you’re going to need an awfully good team to help you navigate this town that you’re so familiar with.”

“Just you wait,” Abby said devilishly, “I’ve got a plan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was unsure where to end this chapter but I've got so much coming down the pike that I figured it'd be better to break Thanksgiving into a few parts rather than trying to get a ten million word chapter finished. 
> 
> Hope you liked it!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A scavenger hunt and a late-night conversation.

“Ok, team, let’s do this! Tell me everything I need to know.” Dinner was over, dishes were clean and caffeine had been consumed. Abby assembled her scavenger hunt team on the front porch. They huddled around her, looking at the list James held in his outstretched hands. Aside from James and Carrie, she’d chosen Natalie and Jared. Natalie lived nearby and had connections throughout the city that would be helpful while everyone agreed that the twins worked harder when they were pitted against each other. Carrie admitted that Jillian would have been an asset as well but they were determined to win without her. 

 

“We’ve got two hours to accumulate as many points as possible. I say we focus on the big ticket items and tackle the smaller stuff if we have time,” Abby’s eyes scanned the list. The first few items were pretty typical but some of them seemed really hard.

* Picture with a live turkey  

* Picture of the electronics aisle of Best Buy (What’s so hard about that one?” “Tomorrow’s Black Friday, Abby.”)  

* Find the largest frozen turkey left at the grocery store. One point per pound. A discounted Halloween costume. One point per percentage off.  

* Help a neighbor hang Christmas lights  

* Trick-or-Treat, in costume, at three different houses. Ten bonus points if you receive candy.  

* Make and deliver a handprint turkey picture to a nursing home resident  

* Decorate and address ten holiday cards for veterans  

* Purchase and trim a Christmas tree  

* Pick up trash in the neighborhood  

* Perform a song about what you are thankful for in front of four strangers. Ten bonus point if one of them performs with you.  

* Attempt to Christmas carol door to door. Must finish a complete song for this to count.  


“Holy crap this is intricate,” Abby remarked.

 

“Yeah. We’ve been doing it for so long they’ve had to get creative,” Jared replied.

 

“Plus, Mom always throws in some community service type of stuff…”

 

“Let’s get the live turkey thing tackled first,” Natalie said. “Since it’s worth the most points. They’ve got at least one at the petting zoo. You would not believe how much they’ve expanded that place since we were kids. It’s ridiculous.”

 

“How are we going to get in? Aren’t they closed for the holiday?” Abby furrowed her brows. 

 

“They’re actually closed for the season, so it should be deserted. I think we can get into the property through the woods behind that little trail where they keep the predatory birds,” Natalie replied, looking at her brothers, who nodded their understanding. Abby did not love the idea of breaking into a petting zoo, but she had done worse. 

 

“Ok, let’s get going!”

 

“We need to do at least one group thing and then we should split up. We can do more damage that way. I vote we do the caroling together, should be the easiest. Then we’ll divide up the rest of the list.” James said. Carrie was right, he did have good leadership skills. 

 

“All right, so, caroling. We need a short, easy song that lessens the likelihood of doors being slammed in our faces. I’m thinking Jingle Bells. Put Carrie front and center. People are nicer to kids,” Natalie said.

 

“Hey! Where’s Charlie?” Jared asked suddenly.

 

“He’s napping,” James replied. “But he should be up soon. Why?”

 

“We need to take him with us. He’s cute and innocent and I think he’s going to make all of this easier on us. No one slams a door on a baby.”

 

“That is an excellent point. Good thinking.”

 

They gathered outside of Jillian’s old room, where Charlie was napping, to plan out the rest of the hunt. After caroling, Natalie, Carrie and Abby would attempt to get a picture with the turkey while Jared and James hit the stores for the turkey, discounted costume, and maybe electronics aisle at Best Buy, depending on the line. They’d reconvene in the neighborhood to check off a few more things. Carrie would attempt to trick-or-treat with Charlie, picking up neighborhood trash along the way. Jared and James would offer to help a neighbor hang Christmas lights while Abby decorated cards for veterans. Then they heard the unmistakable sound of cooing and knew that Charlie was up and it was go time. 

 

~~~

 

“HEY! What are you kids doing?”

 

“RUN!” Abby screamed from where she had the car idling, ready to make a run for it.

 

“Come back here! That’s private property You’re trespassing!” 

 

“Oh shit oh shit OH SHIT!” Natalie screamed, grabbing for Carrie, who had tripped on a branch and almost lost her footing. She got her balance and took off, beating Natalie to the car by several yards.

 

“Go, go, GO!” Carrie yelled the second her hand touched the car door. Natalie hurled herself into the passenger seat a moment later. Once the doors were shut, Abby floored it out of the parking lot and down a side street.

 

“Oh...my...GOD...that...was...so...fucking...close,” Natalie panted as she fumbled with her seat belt.

 

“Who was that guy?” Carrie squealed from the back seat.

 

“Apparently the petting zoo backs up to private property. I hope he didn’t follow us,” Natalie commented.

 

“I think we’re good,” Abby replied as she slowed the car to a legal speed. “Did you get the picture?”

 

“Heck yeah we did!” Carrie said excitedly, thrusting her phone between the front seats to show Abby proof. She and Nat were leaning in, cheesy smiles and thumbs up, with a turkey in the background. 

 

“Excellent,” Abby said with a grin. “Well done!”

 

“Thanks!” Carrie replied. “I hope Mom and Dad aren’t mad when they see it…” she trailed off. 

 

“They are not going to care one bit,” Nat said. “This is child’s play compared to some of the crap Jill and the twins pulled.” She paused, brows furrowing. “Plus, they’re the ones that added it to the list. They had to know it would require some sketchy business.” Carrie looked relieved. Abby wanted to hear more about the crap Holtz had pulled while still living at home, but suddenly realized she had no idea where she was going.

 

“Hey, guys? How do I get back to your parents’ house?”

 

~~~

 

“WE BEAT YOU! HA!” Abby gloated after Mr. and Mrs. Holtzmann had finished checking over the scavenger hunt pictures and videos and tallying the points. Her team had pulled out a win, scraping by with a mere five point lead. They had been unable to get the Best Buy picture, which the other team had somehow managed, but Charlie had helped them with the trick-or-treating as well as the caroling, as they'd predicted.

 

“I told you guys we should have taken the time to pick up trash! That would have clinched the victory for us!” Jillian said with a groan.

 

“There’s always time to make a positive impact on your community,” Renee Holtzmann said, patting her eldest daughter on the back. “I’m sure you’ll keep that in mind next year.”

 

“Thanks, Mom…” Holtz said with a grumble. As bummed as she was by the loss, Jill was secretly pleased by how the entire event had brought out a side of Abby she hadn’t seen in a while. She watched Abby dance in a celebratory fashion before sharing high-fives with her teammates. She fit right in with the flock of Holtzmanns. Jill was glad she’d brought her along and extra glad to see her friend smiling again.

 

~~~

 

“Abs! Why didn’t you tell me your air mattress was deflating? I would have swapped with you!” Holtz asked Abby as she stepped out of the bathroom post-shower. Abby rolled her eyes at her friend.

 

“You drove through the night. You needed all the sleep you could get,” Abby said as she dried her hair with a towel. 

 

“Well, tonight we are both going to get some sleep. Nat and her roommate are going shopping all night and she said we could sleep at her place.”

 

“Ooh, sleeping? In an actual bed? That sounds frickin’ amazing. Sign me up!” Abby hung up her towel and began running a comb through her damp hair. “But I don’t want to hurt your mom’s feelings,” she said quickly. It was true. The Holtzmanns had been such gracious hosts, Abby didn’t want to complain. She certainly didn’t want to seem ungrateful in the face of their incredible hospitality. 

 

“I’ve got it all figured out. Don’t worry your pretty little head. I’ll figure out a way to patch the mattress before we leave town. Mom will never know.”

 

~~~

 

“Hey, so Abs and I are going to sleep at Nat’s tonight,” Holtz told her mom as they entered the mostly-empty kitchen, bags in tow. “She’s going to cut our hair before she goes out with Jessica.” Abby had never understood the appeal of shopping in the middle of the night, but if it was going to afford her a good night’s rest, she was supportive of the weird tradition. 

 

“Aren’t you girls going to go with them? You might be able to get some good deals,” Renee asked.

 

“Mom, please. You know how I feel about expressing my gratitude only to descend into the realm of greed and commercialism less than 24 hours later. It’s not for me.”

 

“Well, what would Abby like to do? She’s your guest.” Abby smiled. She loved how Holtz’s mom was treating her like a kid who’d come over for a sleepover rather than a 40-year-old woman who was capable of standing up for herself. Renee seemed to always have the comforts of others on her mind. Another reason Abby felt awkward bringing up the air mattress situation. Renee would be mortified and she hated to think about that. 

 

“I’m not much of a shopper,” Abby said honestly. “And I could definitely use a haircut.” Abby was looking forward to a decent haircut. She was used to going to Great Clips and winding up with uneven ends. Natalie worked in a salon and she was the only person that Holtz allowed to cut her hair. She’d even created Jillian’s signature hairdo. 

 

“All right, well, you girls have fun. Plan to be here around noon tomorrow for lunch, OK?” Holtz nodded and hugged her mom, then Renee wrapped Abby in a hug as well and they headed for Natalie’s. 

 

~~~

 

A cruel smirk played upon her lips as she dangled Holtzmann out the broken window.

 

“Please, please don’t! Abby!” the woman screamed, attempting to get a grip on the window frame.

 

“Goodbye, Jillian.” She opened her hand, releasing the blonde, who fell several stories, screaming the entire way. Abby felt a laugh burst from her mouth at the sickening thud she made when she hit the ground. 

 

“Abby?” A gentle hand shook her shoulder. 

 

“Abby, wake up” She heard the familiar voice soft in her ear and it pulled her out of her nightmare, her hell. 

 

Abby’s eyes flew open. She was panting and covered in sweat. Tears were running down her cheeks. 

 

“It was a dream. You’re safe now.” Holtz had turned the lamp on and was sitting beside her on Natalie’s bed. In her dream, Abby had killed Holtzmann. The very person sitting beside her, attempting to comfort her. Killed her goofy, lovable best friend, of whom she thought the world. With a smile on her face. 

 

“I’m going to get you some water,” Holtz patted Abby’s shoulder and walked to the bathroom, returning with a Dixie cup, which she hoisted toward her friend. Abby pulled herself up so she was sitting, reached for her glasses, and accepted the water, which she swallowed in a few gulps. 

 

‘Thanks,” she mumbled, setting the empty cup on the night stand. Holtz was staring at her with a look of concern. Abby rubbed her hands across her face and sighed. It had been several nights since she’d had the nightmare and she’d thought maybe it was gone for good. Usually she woke up before she let go. 

 

“Are you okay? I was going to the bathroom and I heard you crying.”

 

“Yes. I mean, no. I mean...I’m okay. It was just a nightmare. I’m sorry for waking you up.” Abby felt guilty. She knew her friend needed rest. It had been a long couple of days.

 

“Don’t be. Hey, look. Please be honest with me. Is something...going on? You haven’t been yourself lately.” Holtz looked into her eyes with such care that Abby was unsure she’d be able to hide her feelings any longer.

 

“I just...I don’t know. I haven’t been feeling well lately. No matter how tired I am, I have trouble sleeping and no matter how much sleep I do get, I’m tired. I feel like a zombie.” 

 

“Is that all?” Jillian pressed.

 

“I guess...I’ve been in a funk. I don’t know what’s causing it. But I’ve been feeling...really down. And it’s not going away.” Abby sighed again and looked at her friend, who seemed thoughtful. 

 

“Hmm. When did this start?”

 

“I first noticed it after we saved the city,” she started. “But if I’m being honest...I think it’s been going on for a while.” Holtz nodded and Abby continued. “It comes in waves. Well, it did. Now it’s just sticking around. I’m really fucking frustrated! I have zero reason to feel this way. Zero.”

 

“You can’t help how you feel, Abs,” Holtz said gently.

 

“Yeah, well that’s bullshit! Why would a person feel like complete crap for no reason? I can’t wrap my head around it. Ugh.” She slid down the headboard and covered her face with the blankets. Holtz sprawled out alongside her. 

 

“Hey Abs?” she asked quietly.

 

“Yes?” came the muffled response from under the layers of bedding.

 

“What was your dream about?”

 

Abby was silent for several moments before she pulled the covers from her face and turned to look at her friend.

 

“I…” she began. Could she really tell Holtz about the images that had been plaguing her dreams in the weeks since they’d saved the city? She wasn’t sure how the blonde would react. Just thinking about it gave her a sick feeling. “I don’t really want to think about it, if you don’t mind.”

 

“That’s fair. I was just wondering.” Jillian rolled onto her side. “Want me to stay here? Keep the nightmares away?” Abby shrugged. She liked the idea of not being alone but she didn’t want to inconvenience her friend. She’d done so much for her already. 

 

“If you don’t mind, it might help. But I don’t want you to miss out on sleep because of me.”

 

“Eh, don’t worry about it. We Holtzmanns need very little sleep to function. I’d already clocked a good four hours!” Jill replied, tucking her legs under the blankets. 

 

Abby shook her head at her friend, a small smile on her lips. Holtz was glad to see it. She squeezed Abby’s shoulder. 

 

“Get some sleep. I’ll be here if you need me,” She said as she reached over to turn off the light. 

 

“Thanks Holtzmann,” Abby said, removing her glasses and rolling over.

 

“Any time.” 

 

Holtz watched as Abby settled back into the blankets. She looked much more peaceful now than she had earlier. She was concerned to hear that she’d been feeling bad for so long without saying anything. Holtz felt guilty that it had taken her so long to notice. Abby was her best friend and she hated to think that she’d been suffering alone. She had been down this road herself and it was not fun. She’d struggled with depression and anxiety in the past and knew how isolating they could be. But she’d come a long way and she wanted to share her experiences with Abby. Wanted to see if there was anything more she could do to help her friend. The drive home would be a good opportunity to talk, she thought. 

 

Holtzmann wondered if Abby’s nightmares were anything like hers. As happy as she’d been to save New York City from a ghost apocalypse, she wasn’t without her own battle scars. She’d slept with the light on and her bedroom door locked for weeks after the incident. She kept her proton back beside her bed, just in case. She too had had nightmares about that day, about what would have happened if Patty hadn’t saved Abby from Rowan, and if Erin hadn’t ventured into the vortex to bring Abby back. She was grateful for her fast-thinking friends, but she hated how paralyzed, how helpless she’d been in both circumstances. She couldn’t imagine a life without Abby.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we get a few embarrassing stories about Holtz, who then confronts Abby about her struggles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to give a special shout out to Dawn, LightLeadingMe and Uncalm Fangirl, who have taken the time to comment on every chapter so far! You guys, that means so much to me! Thank you! Sometimes I feel blah about my writing but reading your comments brings a smile to my face as well as some new motivation. I appreciate you so very much :)

Late afternoon the following day, the Black Friday shoppers were napping and the Holtzmann house was relatively quiet. After lunch, Candace, Carrie, Abby and Jillian worked on a giant puzzle of the solar system that was spread across the dining room table.

“So, is my sister still a pyro?” Candace asked casually.

“We’re always putting out fires in her lab,” Abby said. “To the point that it’s no longer alarming.”

“Have you heard about the first time she started a fire?” Candace asked as she snapped a missing corner piece into place.

“I don’t think Abby’s interested, Candy-cane,” Jillian replied nonchalantly, turning a piece that was surely part of Saturn’s rings in her hands. Candace stuck out her tongue at the nickname.

“Abby’s definitely interested,” Abby said with a grin, leaning her chin on her hand. “Do tell.”

“Gladly,” Candace leaned back in her chair and looked at her older sister with a smile. “It was a few days before Halloween and we’d finished carving our pumpkins. Dad said we didn’t need to light the candles until Halloween night but Jilly could not wait. So she climbed onto the counter and emptied out the cabinets until she found where Mom kept the matches.” Candace paused here for dramatic effect. Abby looked at Holtz and wasn’t surprised to see she did not look embarrassed in the slightest. In fact, the smirk on her face looked somewhat proud. 

“Rather than taking the candle out and lighting it, she leaned over her pumpkin and stuck her hand in with a lit match. She burned her fingers, which made her hand jerk, which led to her inadvertently lighting her hair on fire.” Abby snorted with laughter at the mental image of a tiny Holtzmann, hair ablaze.

“Of course it did,” she said. “What happened next?”

“Mom and Dad heard her crying and came running. By then the fire was out but the damage was done,” Candace smiled fondly at the memory. 

“Eh, it only took a little off the side,” Holtz said with a wave of her hand. “But I learned my lesson that day.”

“I’m guessing that lesson wasn’t ‘Listen to your parents?’” Abby said with a smile.

“You know me too well. No, it was ‘Always keep your hair up when you’re working’,” Jill corrected. “You’ll never catch me with my hair down in the lab.”

“What _did_ you do about your hair?”

Candace clapped her hands together. “That’s the best part. Mom took her for a haircut the next day. She ended up with a bowl cut.”

“Oh, please,” Holtz said in protest. “It was not a bowl cut!” 

“It was totally a bowl cut,” Natalie interjected loudly from the kitchen.

“How would you know Nat? You weren’t even born yet!” Jill yelled back.

“I’ve seen the pictures. Total bowl cut. We can get the album out if you’d like,” Natalie said, entering the room and patting her sister on the head. “And while we’re on the subject of embarrassing Jill stories, I’ve got one!” Natalie plopped down between her sisters, setting a steaming cup of coffee on the table. 

“Yes, please,” Abby said with a smile. 

Natalie proceeded to tell about the time Jillian’s parents forced her into a dress for school picture day so she drew a mustache on her face with a permanent marker. 

“It was highly effective. They never made me wear a dress again,” Holtz said simply.

“How ‘bout when you peed your pants in line at K-Mart?” Candace said with a grin.

“Oh, I peed my pants at 7-11 once,” Abby interjected with an understanding nod. “Waiting in line for the bathroom.”

“Were you in FIFTH GRADE when it happened?” Abby’s eyebrows shot up and she covered her mouth with her hand to stifle the snort that escaped.

Jillian shrugged, remembering the incident. Their mom had dropped her off in the electronics department while she did her shopping and Jillian had gotten very wrapped up in the K’NEX Robotics Kit that was on display. She didn’t mind the embarrassing stories that much. It was good to see Abby laughing. 

“Oh, remember when she got disqualified from the homeschool science fair for testing on humans?” Candace said with a chuckle.

“Aw, and she wouldn’t leave her room for five days?” Natalie added.

“What was she supposed to do? They said you had to test your invention but outlawed animal testing!” Carrie came to her sister’s defense. Jillian patted her youngest sister’s hand.

“It was a souped up DOG COLLAR, Carrie!” Natalie said through hysterical laughter, slamming her hand on the table. “I’m pretty sure Mom’s got a picture somewhere.”

“Laugh all you want,” Jill said calmly and she put the last piece of Neptune into place. “I’ve got dirt on all of you.”

“We all learned from your mistakes, sister dear,” Natalie smirked. 

“I’m afraid you’ve left me with no choice but to unleash your embarrassing secrets.”

“Nothing’s as embarrassing as the Easter Sunday incident-” Candace began.

“Thought she could get pregnant from kissing,”Jillian interrupted, pointing at Candace.

She pointed her finger at Natalie. “Wet the bed until she was-”

“Jillian Marie Holtzmann!” Renee stood in the doorway with her arms folded across her chest, a stern look on her face. “Enough!”

“They started it,” Holtz mumbled under her breath.

“What was that?” Renee asked sharply.

“Nothing, Mom.” Renee exited the room. Once she was out of earshot, the younger Holtzmann sisters burst into laughter.

“You just got middle-named!” Natalie said, tears in her eyes. “You’re 33 years old and Mom just middle-named you in front of your friend!” 

 

~~~

 

“She’s a keeper, Jilly,” James whispered in her ear after dinner the following night. She drew back and looked over to see if anyone had heard what he’d just said, then grabbed him by the sleeve, pulling him around the corner and into the laundry room.

“You’re not the first person in this family to say that to me this week. What are you plotting?” 

James shrugged, “We like her, a lot. She suits you.”

“She’s my friend. That’s all. I don’t think she’s interested.”

“Well, little sister, are YOU interested?” James asked point-blank. Jillian rolled her shoulders uncomfortably. She’d be lying if she said it hadn’t crossed her mind, a few times. Maybe more than a few times recently. They were such good friends. Abby hadn’t really dated anyone in the time that they’d been friends and Holtz didn’t even know if she was interested in women.

“I mean...I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Maybe, huh? Well _maybe_ you should make a move.”

Jillian shook her head. “I can’t. We work together. With other people. A swing and a miss could result in a whole lot of awkward for the Ghostbusters.” This was true. Jillian had spent some time imagining the outcomes making a move on Abby and none of them were worth the risk. “I think it’s best to approach this one with caution.”

“Psh. When has the great Jilly Holtzmann _ever_ approached anything with caution? You’re a risk taker, it’s one of your best features. Promise me you’ll at least think about it. She’d make a great Holtzmann.” James said with a smile, wrapping his arm around his sister and leading her out of the laundry room back to where the others were pulling out dessert.

“I’ll think about it.”

 

~~~

 

“God, I didn’t realize how hard it would be to leave,” Jillian commented as she finished loading their bags into the back of Abby’s car. The trip had been amazing. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed her family until they’d all been together again.

“I didn’t realize how much I would miss people I barely know,” Abby said. “Your family is great.”

“They are great. And they think you’re great, too.” Holtz said, causing Abby to smile. She loved the Holtzmanns already. “I hope I can convince Nat to come out to New York sometime next year. She’d love it.”

They retreated into the house for goodbyes, hugs, and Tupperware packed with leftovers. 

“You’re always welcome here, Abby,” Renee said as she pulled back from their tight embrace. 

“Thank you so much. I might have to take you up on that. I had the best time,” Abby said. She turned to Carrie, whose eyes were filled with tears.

“I’m gonna miss you, Abby,” she said. Abby wrapped her arms around the teen and squeezed.

“You are welcome to come stay with us any time. Just have Natalie drive you! It’s not too bad.” Carrie began to cry in earnest. 

“It’s hard being left behind,” she said.

“Trust me,” Abby said. “I know. But this is not goodbye, it’s see you later. I promise.”

 

~~~

 

“Hey, so about the other night,” Holtz began. They’d been driving for twelve hours, chatting about the trip, the Holtzmann siblings, and how hard it was going to be to go back to cooking for themselves after a week of eating Renee’s amazing food. Jillian had been nervous to breach the subject of what was going on with Abby, but she didn’t want her friend to think she didn’t care. “About your funk?”

“Ugh,” Abby made a face. “What about it?”

“Well, I just wanted you to know that I’ve been through that before. I’ve struggled with depression in the past. Anxiety too. It’s a real bitch. I found a good therapist though and got on some medication and it’s made a huge difference. Night and day. I’ve got some numbers for you, if you want. I don’t want you to think you have to do this alone.”

“Aw, Holtzy. You’re such a good friend. Thank you,” Abby took a breath and Holtz could tell by the look on her face that she knew what was coming. “The thing is, I'm not depressed. I don’t think I need medication or anything like that. It’s just a funk, probably my hormones. It’ll work itself out sooner or later.” Abby replied, patting Holtz’s leg, “In fact, I’m actually starting to feel a little better. I’m going to put on a happy face and power through. But thanks for thinking of me.”

Holtz couldn’t help but feel hurt by Abby’s reply. She had just shared something deeply personal and difficult, something she had never told anyone outside of her family. She knew Abby didn’t mean any harm, but she felt a tad dismissed. Maybe a touch rejected. Abby was probably just in denial about her situation. Holtz knew better than to push, or argue. So she simply nodded, and with that, the subject was dropped. 

~~~

 

Abby actually did feel better when they returned home. The trip had been a welcome distraction and she felt like she’d hit a reset button of some kind. She continued to have nightmares now and then but felt pretty normal otherwise. She felt a burst of motivation, which inspired her to work harder on her and Erin’s book revisions. She started feeling like her old self. Holtzmann didn’t ask her how she was doing or bring up anything they had discussed during their time in Kansas or in the car, and for that, she was grateful. She actually did not see much of her and Abby assumed she had busied herself with the research she and Patty had undertaken. The four Ghostbusters seemed to be humming along like a well-oiled machine. 

So when, in Mid-December, Abby woke up one morning feeling terrible, she was completely blindsided. She decided to tell the others that she was sick and stayed in her apartment all day, watching TV in her pajamas. She convinced herself that maybe she was coming down with the flu or the cold that was going around and that’s why she felt so detached and unmotivated. She allowed herself the day off, certain that she’d be back to her old self in the morning. Her nightmares were more vivid than ever that night and she woke up in a cold sweat. Checking the clock, she saw it was only 2am. She was afraid to close her eyes again for fear of what she might see. She tossed and turned until she fell into a restless sleep again around 5:30.

Abby awoke with a start to her phone ringing. It was Erin, asking where she was. It was nearly 11am and Abby had slept through her alarm. She told Erin she still wasn’t feeling great but that she might come in in the afternoon. She spent the day ruminating on the whole situation. She was frustrated and sad that these dark feelings had returned. She thought she’d gotten over it. She felt that there really wasn’t anything to get over, which frustrated her even more.

By that evening, Abby was pissed. In both senses of the word. She had moved from feeling sad to feeling mad about these complicated, unnecessary feelings that were impeding her ability to function. And she was very, very drunk. She had decided to self medicate with a little rum and coke. The first one didn’t seem to have an effect on her, so she did two shots of rum. It all hit her at about the same time and rather than loosening her up and boosting her mood, it made her feel monumentally worse.

She was drunk and alone in her apartment on a Friday night when she hit that proverbial rock-bottom people were always talking about. She had felt like she was drowning off and on for the past few months, and despite all her efforts to keep her head above water, the truth was, she was sinking and it scared her. What if she never felt better? What if this was what her life was to be like from now on? What if she did something awful? She didn’t want to do anything awful, but she was having a hard time trusting herself now that her feelings were out of her control. She didn’t want to be alone anymore so she bit the bullet and called Holtzmann, knowing that at least she would understand. She picked up right away.

“Abby? Are you ok?” Holtz sounded worried, but tired. It was 1am, after all.

“I don’t know,” Abby replied with a hiccup.

“You missed work the last two days. And you never call. What’s going on?” In fact, no one who _really_ knew her ever called Jillian Holtzmann. She preferred texting. It was much more efficient. 

“I just...didn’t know what else to do,” Abby slurred.

“Have you been drinking?” Holtz asked as she climbed out of bed and pulled her boots on. She wasn’t sure why she’d even asked, it was apparent in Abby’s voice, in the entire situation itself, that she had been. Abby ignored this question.

“Can you come over?”

“I’m on my way.”

 

~~~

 

“You’re right, I do need help. I’m messed up.” Abby said the second she opened to door and let Holtzmann into her apartment. She didn’t look like herself. She was wearing sweatpants again and her hair was down and uncombed. 

“You’re not messed up. The chemicals in your brain are messed up. It’s not your fault.” Holtz sat herself down on a barstool in Abby’s kitchen. She eyed the empty rum bottle with concern, wondering how long ago it had been purchased.

“I’m such an idiot. I don’t know why I didn’t listen to you. You were just trying to help. You’re such a good friend.”

“I’m always here for ya, Abs. We’ll get’cha through this. I promise. I’ll help you.”

“You’re a gem, Jillian Holtzmann,” She booped her on the nose and leaned in close, until they were a few inches apart. “And that is why I love you.” Abby grinned, her cheeks red from the alcohol and maybe from what she had just said. Holtzmann stood up and put some distance between herself and her inebriated friend.

“I love you too, Abby. We’ll get this sorted out.”

“You and me...we should be together,” Abby sang, though no music was playing.

“Yup, we’re together. We’re both in your kitchen,” Holtz said. Abby laughed and walked around the island to where Jillian was standing, giving her a look. Holtz was pretty sure it was meant to be a seductive look because of what she said next, but it looked more tipsy and uncertain than anything. 

“You know what I mean,” Abby said, batting her lashes a bit. She grabbed Jillian’s hand with hers and squeezed. Jillian smiled and squeezed back before gently pulling away. She cleared her throat.

“Let’s get you some water and get you to bed. We’ll make some calls in the morning. Get you on the path to feeling better.” Holtz respected her friend too much to encourage this kind of behavior, even though part of her was definitely interested. She didn’t want to encourage drunk Abby to do anything sober Abby might regret. She ignored the drunken flirtation and helped her friend into some clean clothes then pulled back her covers for her.

“Will you stay with me?” Abby whispered. She looked vulnerable and a little frightened, which Holtz was not used to seeing on her normally bright face. She nodded. She went to get Abby the glass of water and a bowl (just in case) and when she came back, her friend was fast asleep. She removed her glasses, placed them on the nightstand, and turned off the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, drawing from some life experiences here. I did pee my pants in K-Mart at age 10. I also invented a cool dog collar with a built-in leash but got disqualified due to inadequate testing. And I too have struggled with depression, anxiety, and denial.
> 
> Also, I've been thinking that I need a writing buddy! If you're interested, let's chat. Hit me up on Tumblr or leave a comment. I'm writing a total of three stories and I need some accountability :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Abby woke up the next morning, she felt like shit. She’d neglected to drink water before falling asleep and her head was pounding because of it. Before she even opened her eyes, the memories of the previous evening came flooding back and she felt her cheeks redden with embarrassment despite the fact that she was alone. She rubbed her hands over her face and fumbled for her glasses. She put them on and found herself internally debating over whether to get out of bed or not. On the one hand, she had a raging headache and movement sounded awful. On the other hand, she desperately needed coffee. She slowly shifted to the sitting position and caught sight of herself in the mirror. 
> 
> “Oh god,” she said, wrinkling her nose, before movement in the corner of the mirror caught her eye. Abby quickly turned, eyes widening at her discovery. On the chair between her bed and the window, the one she usually used to store clothes that weren’t clean but weren’t exactly dirty, was Holtzmann.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey my pals! It's been a long time since I've updated this and I'm sorry about that! A lot has happened in my life since the last time I posted. Most notably, I participated in my first (but definitely not last!) NaNoWriMo and had to devote all my writing energy to getting that hot mess of a story finished. I also left the country, got sick, celebrated multiple holidays and a kid's birthday, blah blah blah, life was busy. But I'm here!
> 
> Anywho, thanks for sticking with me! I appreciate all the responses re: the search for a writing buddy. I’ve been chatting with several of you and it has been fun! Although, not gonna lie, there’s a weird vulnerability going on now that I actually know some of the people in the fandom, hah. Whatevs, I'll survive, right? I'm always up for chatting with fellow writers, so hit me up on Tumblr if you'd like! I am old and weird though. You've been warned.

When Abby woke up the next morning, she felt like shit. She’d neglected to drink water before falling asleep and her head was pounding because of it. Before she even opened her eyes, the memories of the previous evening came flooding back and she felt her cheeks redden with embarrassment despite the fact that she was alone. She rubbed her hands over her face and fumbled for her glasses. She put them on and found herself internally debating over whether to get out of bed or not. On the one hand, she had a raging headache and movement sounded awful. On the other hand, she desperately needed coffee. She slowly shifted to the sitting position and caught sight of herself in the mirror. 

“Oh god,” she said, wrinkling her nose, before movement in the corner of the mirror caught her eye. Abby quickly turned, eyes widening at her discovery. On the chair between her bed and the window, the one she usually used to store clothes that weren’t clean but weren’t exactly dirty, was Holtzmann. She was curled up in a ball among the clothes, Abby’s green army jacket draped over her as a blanket, a balled up sweater serving as a pillow. It looked uncomfortable and Abby immediately felt guilty. She’d remembered being in a bad place the previous night, calling her friend for help, and passing out shortly thereafter. She didn’t expect Holtz to still be there. 

Abby watched her sleep for a few minutes and felt several conflicting emotions pass through her. On the one hand, she was embarrassed that she’d drank so much, freaked out so much, and had had the audacity to call in the middle of the night and drag her sleeping friend out of her warm bed for her to end up in an uncomfortable chair. On the other hand, as Abby looked at the peaceful, if somewhat squashed, form of her partner in science (and occasionally crime), she felt a rush of gratitude for having a friend like Jillian Holtzmann in her life. Aside from being brilliant and enthusiastic, Holtz was loyal and dependable, more dependable than any friend Abby had ever had. After what had happened with Erin, Abby had had some trouble trusting people for a while. She’d resisted getting close to anyone for years. Then she’d met Holtzmann. Weird, optimistic, thoughtful Holtzmann, who’d weaseled her way into Abby’s life when she was least expecting it. Holtz made her laugh harder than anyone ever had and reminded Abby how good it felt to have a friend. With Holtz, she learned to let down her walls and be vulnerable again. She learned the importance of forgiveness. Holtz was never too proud to say sorry and own it when she did something wrong. She gracefully accepted Abby’s apologies when she made mistakes and had gently encouraged Abby to forgive Erin and give her another chance when she’d returned. And there she was, curled in a pile of dirty laundry in Abby’s room, chest rising and falling with each quiet breath she took. She was so still in her sleep, so peaceful. A tuft of frizzy blonde hair fell across her closed eyes and Abby wondered how she’d never noticed how beautiful she was before.

“Holtz?” she called softly. She felt her heart flip-flop a little when Holtz’s lips twitched into a smile and the dimple in her cheek appeared. Abby loved those stupid dimples and the youthful gleam they added to her friend’s face.

“Hey Abs,” she replied sleepily, eyes still closed.

“I’m really sorry about last night.”

Holtz sat up, stretching and twisting her neck until it audibly cracked, “Why are you sorry?”

“Because I woke you up in the middle of the night and made you sleep in this crappy chair.”

“The layers of clothing made it quite comfortable,” she said with a smile. “And don’t be sorry. You would have done the same for me and you know it.” This was true, Abby thought. If the situation had been reversed, Abby would have dropped everything to be at her friend’s side in a heartbeat. 

“Well then thank you. It means a lot.”

“Of course. Now let’s get some chow,” Holtz said, dragging Abby off the bed by the hand and leading her into the kitchen. “I’m starved.”

 

~~~

They pulled together a breakfast of leftover Chinese food (which they agreed was delicious any time of day), put on a pot of coffee and ate in companionable silence. Before she could ask, Holtz brought up the topic that had been looming over Abby’s mind since she woke up. 

“So, I was serious about helping you get on the road to feeling better and I think I know where to start,” she pulled her wallet from one of her many pockets, removed a worn business card and slid it across the table. Abby picked it up and read it. 

“A therapist?”

“Sarah’s great. She’s helped me through some rough times. Got me hooked up with the right psychiatrist too. And a primary care doc.” Abby still looked doubtful, “Plus, your first appointment is just a consultation. You go, get to know her, she gets to know you, and you can decide if you think it’s worth going.”

“I don’t know…”

“The consultation’s free, just so you know.”

“Really?” Abby tried to hand the card back but Holtz shook her head. 

“Really. Here, keep it. Think about it. If you don’t like her, I’ll help you figure out something else. Promise.” 

~~~

Abby liked Sarah immediately. She was warm and personable and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know Abby as a person. Her office was painted purple and aqua and did not have the clinical feel that Abby had expected. The furniture was surprisingly comfortable. Abby kicked off her shoes when she sat on the couch and Sarah slipped hers off as well. There was a bowl of chocolates on the table between them. It didn’t feel like an examination as Abby had feared it would. It felt a little like an interview, but a casual one with some personal details thrown in. Like getting to know a neighbor. Or going on a first date. Abby told Sarah about herself and her job and what had been going on in her life the past few months and she listened as Sarah told about her background as well. It was different than she’d thought it would be. 

Abby had called the same day Holtz had given her the card and Sarah had been able to get her in two days later. She had returned to work and both Patty and Erin had expressed that they were glad to have her back, but they hadn’t pressed for details about where she’d been or why. Holtz had apparently taken care of it and Abby was grateful.

“Abby, it’s been great to meet you,” Sarah said at the end of the consultation. Abby nodded. Talking to her had felt more natural than she’d imagined it would. “I have some ideas for you if you’d like to proceed with regular meetings.”

“Really? So you think I can be fixed?” 

Sarah smiled, chuckling a little.

“I don’t think you’re broken, Abby. I think you’re a person who is going through a lot and who might need a extra help navigating it all.”

“I just want to feel like myself again,” Abby said with a sigh, unwrapping a Hershey Kiss from the candy bowl. “Do you think you can help me figure out how?”

“I do. It may take some time, but I’d like to help. What do you think?” 

Abby swallowed the lump that had been trying to form in her throat. The thought of feeling like her old self, coupled with the genuine kindness of this near stranger, was a lot for her to process, so she simply looked Sarah in the eyes and nodded. 

She was ready to do what it took to feel good again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure that the tone/pacing/whatever have changed as several months have passed since I last updated! I don't want to give up on this story so I'm trying to just move forward and see where it takes me!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snow, pizza, medication, dancing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap, I can't believe the last time I updated was JANUARY! Whoops! Life has been busy, my friends. But I know where this is going to go and it's summer and I am going to make time for it!
> 
> A great big THANK YOU to thegirlsinthefirehouse for her ideas and encouragement and willingness to listen! I appreciate it! And thanks to -dawn- for giving some feedback, and to Uncalm Fangirl for her hilarious comments. You were the final push I needed to get over the hump and POST!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

“No, Mom, I’m not coming home for Christmas....No, this is the first I’ve heard of it. Dad never said anything...I checked skiplagged and even on there, nothing….Well a little notice would have been great...I’m not going to drive...Because there’s a foot of snow on the ground…” Abby heard the front door open and although it was probably just Kevin, she took it as an excuse to end the phone call with her mother. It had been heading into family feud territory quickly. “I’ve gotta go, someone is here. Tell Dad hi. Love you, bye!” She hung up her cell phone and tossed it on her desk in disgust. Setting boundaries with her family was hard but she knew Sarah would be proud of her for sticking up for herself. 

“Kev, did you forget something, buddy?” she called down the firepole hole, or “pole hole” as they called it.

“It’s me.”

Abby peered down the hole, surprised to hear Holtzmann’s voice. She’d left hours ago.

“What are you doing here?”

“They canceled my flight. Apparently Snowmageddon hit the Midwest.” Holtzmann dropped her silver duffel bag by the couch and slipped her arms out of her black backpack. “What are you still doing here?”

“I was about to leave but my mom called to give me crap about not coming home for Christmas,” Abby replied, making a face. “She tried to guilt me into driving but I refused.”

“Gotta set those boundaries,” Holtz called from where she was scoping out the contents of the fridge. “This thing’s empty. Wanna grab something?”

“Sure. I’ll be down in a sec.”

~~~

“Want the last slice?” Holtzmann asked around a mouthful of cheese. They had settled on the pizza place across the street in order to avoid having to walk far in the snow. It was falling in big, fat flakes that had accumulated in drifts on the sidewalks. Abby was glad. She didn’t love cold weather but she’d always enjoyed a white Christmas. There was something magical about it. 

“It’s all yours,” she replied with a grin. She and Holtzmann had enjoyed the opportunity to indulge in their favorite pineapple anchovy pizza that Patty and Erin refused to let them order. ‘That ain’t right,’ Patty would say. ‘You ruining a perfectly good pizza.’

“Thanks,” Holtz said, shifting the slice in question onto her plate. She popped a chunk of rogue pineapple into her mouth. “We should do this more often. Screw Patty and Erin and their boring ass normal people pizza. This right here is the way to go!” She took an enormous bite and a stray anchovy fell onto her lap. Abby smiled and shoved what was left of their napkin pile toward her friend. 

They’d discovered their mutual love for weird pizza not long after Holtzmann had joined Abby in her lab at Higgins. They’d been working late on some research when Abby had offered to call for delivery.

“What kind of pizza do you like?” Abby has asked. Her jaw had nearly hit the floor when Holtz had requested her personal favorite. It was the first time she’d met someone who shared her love of pineapple anchovy. From then on, they’d made it a weekly tradition until Patty and Erin had joined the gang and banned them from bringing the offensive pizza on site. The smell alone made Patty gag. 

“So how are you doing? Are you liking Sarah?”

“You know, I am feeling pretty good right now. It’s amazing how much talking to someone else makes you realize things about your life.” Holtz nodded her assent. “I had no idea.”

“Sarah’s great. She’s helped me figure out a lot of things. I was kinda bummed when she told me I didn’t need to come back any more.”

“Really? So one can graduate from therapy?” Abby’d never considered that before. That she would someday get to a point where she could manage by herself again. She liked seeing Sarah. 

“Yeah. After I worked out all the kinks with my medication and had been doing well for a while. I gradually started seeing her less frequently until one day, she told me I didn’t need to come back unless I felt like it.” Abby shifted in her seat. Sarah had brought up the topic of medication at her last visit and it had been weird. She had a card with the number of a psychiatrist tucked away in her bag but hadn’t called. She wasn’t sure it was for her. 

“I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

“Meeeee too. Have you been to see Dr. Patel yet? She’s great too. Really patient and on top of making adjustments as needed.”

“No. I haven’t called her yet…” Abby rolled her straw wrapper into a ball and avoided Holtz’s gaze.

“You might want to do that. Sometimes she can be harder to get into,” Holtz loudly slurped her Mountain Dew, “But you can get on the cancellation list.” Abby nodded, silently willing this part of the conversation to end before Holtz noticed her discomfort. 

No such luck.

“What is it?” she asked, pushing her glasses up her nose with her index finger. 

“What’s what?” Maybe playing dumb would work.

“You got quiet all the sudden and you won’t look at me.” Damn if Holtzmann wasn’t observant. 

“I don’t know...it’s just...well, the whole medication thing. It just...it freaks me out, y’know?”

“Ah, are you worried about the side effects? They always make ‘em sound worse than they actually are. They’re not going to make you a zombie,” Holtz chuckled, “Although, you would make a pretty killer zombie. Have you considered that for Halloween?”

“No, I just...I don’t think I really need medication. I’m just kind of figuring some stuff out. Sarah’s great. I don’t think I need to take pills to function. I just need to sort through some stuff. Then I’ll be good to go.” 

Now it was Holtz’s turn to be quiet. Abby sighed and rubbed her temples. She knew she would mess this up somehow. 

“It’s fine that you need medication. There’s nothing wrong with that. I just don’t think I do. I’m feeling better all the time.” Holtz pursed her lips and nodded but the air felt heavy with awkwardness. 

Abby sunk into her chair. Open mouth, insert foot.

~~~

“I pissed Holtz off. So there’s that. I didn’t even think it was possible to make her mad. I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her mad before. She got really quiet. Ugh.” Abby sunk down into Sarah’s couch and tossed a handful of M&Ms from the snack bowl into her mouth. 

“Why do you think she’s mad?” 

“I don’t know, because I made it sound like I’m too good for medication and that she’s a mess because she’s on it?”

“Knowing you, Abby, I doubt you’d suggest something that hurtful.”

Abby shrugged, “I mean...I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. I just...I don’t know if I like medication.”

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t know, I mean. My dad used to take stuff when I was a kid and he just wasn’t himself anymore.”

“That must have been hard.”

Abby remembered her dad sitting in the recliner watching TV for hours, ignoring his family. She remembered his indifference, his lack of excitement. She’d hated it. “It was. I want to feel things.”

“Of course you do. Do you know how antidepressants work, Abby?”

“They make you happy?” She sighed. She was a scientist after all, but it had been years since she’d taken a psychology course of any kind. Her brain had had to let go of some information to make room for what she, Erin, and Holtzmann had discovered in their research. 

Sarah stood up and uncapped a blue dry erase marker. “I find it helpful to have a visual.” As she spoke, she drew a series of squiggles and markings right on the window. “So, we’ve got your neurotransmitters. Serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine. These guys are carry messages between brain cells and they are responsible for mood, among other things. In a normal brain, there are enough of them floating around, per se, allowing you to feel positive emotions. A depressed brain doesn’t have the correct balance of these important chemicals,” Sarah erased several of the squiggles she’d drawn, and added a large frowny face over the picture, “which can make you feel down regardless of the circumstances of your life and whether you want to or not. Are you following?”

“Go on.”

“Ok, so SSRIs or selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, are one of the most popular classes of antidepressants. They work by blocking the brain from reabsorbing serotonin, which increases the levels that are present in the brain, which helps keep your mood balanced.” She drew more little squiggles to represent serotonin and finished with a big smiley face atop the picture. Abby smirked. 

“Does that make sense?” Sarah asked. 

“I mean, it does,” Abby replied, scratching the back of her neck. 

“Still skeptical?”

“Yeah, I am. How could I not be? Taking pills to change the chemistry of my brain just sounds...huge. Risky. What if I have a bunch of weird side effects?” 

Sarah nodded. “I understand your concern. There can be side effects. Especially in the beginning, when your body is adjusting. They tend to diminish over time. But your doctor will monitor them and help make changes if they don’t. It sounds like your father’s doctor wasn’t keeping close enough tabs on how he was doing.”

Abby chewed a fingernail. “I want to feel better. I really do. I just...what if they don’t work?” She swallowed a lump that had suddenly formed in her throat without her permission. “What if they make it worse? I don’t think I could handle that.” She looked upward in an attempt to keep the tears that had suddenly filled her eyes from falling. Sarah capped her pen and set it on her desk then seated herself next to Abby on the couch and looked her in the eyes.

“You’re not alone in this, Abby. I’m here to walk this journey with you. And I’m certainly not going to force you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. But getting more information could be helpful, especially if there’s a genetic component to what you’ve been dealing with. The psychiatrist I’d recommend? Dr. Patel? She’s excellent. She sticks with her patients until they are feeling better.” She smiled and rubbed Abby’s arm. “Plus,” she said, “You’ve got a great system of support. You know Holtzmann is going to be there for you. And the others too.”

Abby nodded. Sarah was right. She wasn’t alone. And while she was nervous about taking medication, she did want to feel better. And the science made sense, she had to admit. 

“I’ll call Dr. Patel.”

~~~

Abby called Dr. Patel on her way home, before she lost her nerve. She was able to be seen the second week of January and had been added to the cancellation list. Abby took a breath as she added the appointment to the calendar on her phone. One item checked off her list, just a few more to go. 

She had a couples of important stops to make before she headed back to the firehouse. 

~~~

“Holtz? Are you here?” Abby pulled the door shut behind her and set an armload of things on the table. She had developed quite a plan on the bus ride home and was still trying to work out the details in her head. She shrugged off her coat and approached the pole hole. She could hear the beginnings of “Joy to the World” (despite it being two days until Christmas, it was the Three Dog Night version) playing and decided trying to be heard over the music was a lost cause. 

She reached the top of the stairs and stopped in the threshold. Holtz was dancing and she didn’t want to interrupt. She had a screwdriver in one hand and was belting out the chorus, hips gyrating to the song. Abby smiled at the way she ran her own hand through her hair. She was so cute when she danced. 

“If I were the king of the world  
I tell you what I’d do  
I’d throw away the cars and the bars and the war  
And make sweet love to you  
Sing it now”

Abby couldn’t resist. The song was catchy. She jumped through the doorway and danced her way to Holtz, who, to Abby’s relief, grinned and took her hand, twirling her on the spot. They belted out the rest of the song together, dancing through the lab as they went. By the time it came to an end, they were both out of breath. Abby reached over to turn off the stereo.

“I’ve always liked that better than the Christmas version,” she said. 

“That IS the Christmas version. At least in the Holtzmann household.”

“Hey,” Abby said, continuing the trend of jumping right into things before nerves stopped her. “I’m really sorry about what I said. Earlier. About medication. I was scared.” 

“I know. It’s OK.”

“It’s not OK, it was condescending and I regret it. I didn’t like the way my Dad was when he was on medication. He just, like, checked out. It was awful.” Holtz listened quietly as Abby continued. “Anyway, I just wanted to apologize for being rude. I’m seeing Dr. Patel in a couple of weeks. Thanks for always supporting me.”

“I forgive you. And I’m always here for you, Abs. Always. What you said sucked because, well, you mean a lot to me. I really value your opinion on things. It took me along time to get comfortable with being on medication. There’s such a stigma around it, and that sucks. But I’m grateful it exists and that I can feel better. I hope you can too.”

“Thank you for saying that.”

“Of course.” Holtz squeezed Abby’s shoulder and smiled. “Now do you want to listen to the rest of the Holtzmann Family Christmas Mix or what?” 

“I’d like nothing better.”

“Then let’s do this!”

Holtzmann hit the power button on the stereo. Abby couldn’t wait to hear what was next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't listened to Joy to the World by Three Dog Night, you should. I can picture Holtz dancing to it very clearly. Also...what songs do YOU think would make the Holtzmann Family Christmas Mix?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puzzles in pajamas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, this almost got away from me! Thanks Uncalm Fangirl for the gentle prod to update! I have two chapters to go and I think you will like them :) Let me know if you're still reading!

By the time they reached the end of the Holtzmann Family Christmas Mix, it was nearing midnight. Abby had forgotten about her plan until she wandered into the kitchen to get a drink and saw the supplies where she’d left them on the counter top. 

“Technically it’ll be Christmas Eve in a few minutes,” she said out loud. The snow was still falling heavily and she knew the odds of her going home were nearly non existent at this point. 

Her stomach squeezed with butterflies. She felt nervous about her plan. She’d spoken with Carrie on the phone earlier, who had encouraged her to go through with it, but still. She wasn’t sure what Holtz’s reaction would be, but she was determined to make up for all the stupid things she’d said as of late. 

“Hey Holtz, come down here for a sec?”

The squeal of fabric on the metal pole and the thud of combat boots on concrete had Abby’s heart in her throat. 

“Yeah?” Holtz shoved her goggles up into her hair with one fingerless gloved hand. Abby’s throat felt dry.

“I, uh…” she coughed, licked her lips, and started again, this time with false bravado, “I know you’re probably bummed that you don’t get to celebrate Christmas with your family. And I still feel like an idiot for all the stupid crap that’s been spewing out of my mouth lately. So I wanted to make it up to you.” Abby gestured to the living room area where she had set everything up. 

“Abs. You don’t need to make anything up to me. I like how you say what’s on your mind. It’s what makes you…” Holtz stopped suddenly, her eyes finally taking in the scene before her. “Hold up, what’s all this?” She walked over to the coffee table to see several packages that were simply wrapped. She quirked an eyebrow at Abby.

“Open them and then you tell me,” Abby said with a smile. Holtz silently began removing the paper from a rectangular box. It made a rattling sound when she lifted it and her eyes widened. When the last of the paper was torn away, she squealed and held it out in front of her with a laugh. 

“CHRISTMAS PUZZLE!” The puzzle wasn’t actually Christmas themed. It had a rather creepy picture of a teddy bear with large blank eyes, surrounded by smaller teddy bears haphazardly piled around it. 

“I hope you like it. Carrie told me the weirder the better?” Holtz was already scrambling to open the box and dump the pieces out. 

“It’s PERFECT!” The Holtzmanns apparently had a Christmas tradition of putting together sad, old puzzles from thrift stores. They got a kick out of hunting down the strangest, most obscure ones they could find. Abby thought the creepy teddy bears seemed appropriate. Holtz had already dumped the pieces all over the coffee table and was rapidly turning them over. 

“Don’t forget the rest of your presents,” Abby said, taking a seat beside her on the sofa. Holtz looked up and her, her face falling for a second.

“I didn’t get you anything-” 

“That’s ok, one of these is for me,” Abby cut her off with a smile.

“AAAAH!!! I’ve ALWAYS wanted one of these!!” Holtz lifted a giant cow printed onesie, complete with footies, out of the hastily thrown together gift bag.

“I wasn’t sure if the whole theme was ridiculous or just the puzzle...and music…”

“Psh! Everything is ridiculous,” Holtz replied as she stood up and held the pajamas to herself. “Can I change into this now?” she asked excitedly.

“Sure. But don’t you want to see what I got?”

“Please tell me you got a onesie too,” Holtz said, bouncing on her heels a little. Abby pulled an equally ludicrous looking onesie from her gift bag and held it in front of herself. “Pikachu just called to me,” she explained with a shrug.

“YESSSSS!!!” Holtz cheered. “This is going to be THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!! C’mon Abbychu, let’s get these on!” They quickly changed into their new pajamas and burst out laughing at the sight of each other. Abby put up the hood of her Pikachu suit and Holtz nodded, doing the same. Holtzmann grabbed Abby’s arms and they spun in a circle, pj tails flying, before collapsing onto the couch in a breathless heap. Holtz leaned over, furrowing her brow at the puzzle before her. 

“There’s one more,” Abby said, pointing. 

Holtz picked up the final gift and grinned. “I hope I know what this is,” she said. The traditions ran strong in the Holtzmann family and Jillian was pretty sure she knew what was coming as she slowly peeled the Christmas paper away from the package. Her eyes lit up when the gift inside was revealed. 

“You’re amazing! I can’t believe you found this today,” she said, holding the Christmas Vacation DVD with reverence. 

“To tell the truth, we lucked out on that one. The stores were all out so I had to borrow it from Patty. Broke into her place and everything. But it’ll do the trick for tonight, right?” 

“Of course it will. It’s perfect.” 

“I’ve never actually seen this before,” Abby confessed. 

“Well that’s heartbreaking. Thank God Patty had it to loan. Prepare to be delighted!” Holtz got up and popped in the DVD before plopping down next to Abby. Closer than she was before, Abby thought, feeling warmth rush through her. 

As the movie’s introductory song began, Holtz turned toward Abby, placing her hand on her knee. “Hey,” she said, expression surprisingly serious for someone wearing a cow costume. “I just want to say thanks for all of this. I’m going to miss my family...but if I had to spend Christmas with anyone else, it’d be you.” Holtz smiled somewhat shyly. Abby swallowed, pulse beginning to race. 

“I guess what I’m trying to say,” Holtz continued, leaning in slightly,”Is...I CHOOSE YOU, ABBYCHU!” She booped Abby on the nose and turned to catch the beginning of the movie, curling into Abby’s side. Abby let out the breath she’d been holding. She was falling, fast.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THINGS. HAPPEN.

“Let me show you a few of my signature moves!” Erin slurred, wobbling slightly as she got up from her chair and assumed a fighting stance in the middle of the room. The Ghostbusters had gathered at Abby’s apartment for a post-holiday night in, complete with wine, of which Erin had drunk the lion’s share.

“Lord help us,” Patty shook her head and took another sip of her wine. She turned to Holtz. “Baby, go easy on her. You know drunk Erin is teary Erin and I’m not in the mood for that shit tonight.” Holtz smirked as she climbed out of her own chair.

“HEY! Don’t tell her to go easy on me! I’m a badass bitch!” Erin lowered her eyebrows and scrunched her face into what was supposed to look fierce but managed to look rather, well, backed up. 

“Of course you are, honey,” Patty said absentmindedly as she pressed another piece of the puzzle into place. 

“Ok, what do you want me to do?” Holtz asked as she stood facing Erin.

“Throw a punch with your right arm.” 

Holtz did as she was told.

“Throw it like you MEAN IT, Holtz!” Erin whined. Holtz rolled her eyes but threw the punch again, this time with a little more force behind it. Erin did a series of surprisingly swift movements, looking smug when she locked Holtz still in an arm bar, her own face filled with surprise. 

“Not too shabby, drunky. What else you got?”

“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!” Erin shouted, twisting until Holtz let out a yelp and shouted.

“UNCLE! Jesus, Gilbert. I get it!” Erin slackened her grip for a second but then reversed her grip, knocking Jillian off balance and into the carpet. 

Erin pinned Holtz to the ground and looked down at her, triumphant. “Pinned you,” she said in a sing song voice. Holtz smiled up at her for a moment before rolling them over until she was the one on top. Erin squawked as Holtz held her to the floor by her biceps. 

“You’ve got some nice moves, Gilbert. But the element of surprise is important too.” Holtz said coolly. Abby noticed that her face was just a few inches from Erin’s. Her stomach twisted strangely and she excused herself to the bathroom. 

She flipped on the lights and locked the door behind her. Staring into her own eyes in the mirror, she whispered out loud, “It’s time to make a move.” She was surprised to find herself feeling jealous of Erin wrestling with Holtz on the floor. It was a new feeling. Abby Yates didn’t often feel jealousy. She’d been content with what she had. Until now. Holtz was her friend. Her best friend. They’d cuddled the other night and she’d felt a spark of something more. She found herself filled with desire, with longing. And she was tired of ignoring that feeling. She was going to do something about it. She splashed some water on her face, turned off the sink, and patted herself dry with a towel. Abby Yates was a bold person, a person unafraid of standing up for what she believed in, unafraid of voicing what was on her mind. She loved Holtzmann. Maybe was IN LOVE with her. And she was going to do something about it. 

By the time she returned to the living room, the karate demonstration and subsequent wrestling had ended. Patty was helping Erin into her coat.

“I think it’s time for Drunky here to get her ass home. I’ll take her myself, make sure she ends up in the right apartment,” Patty’s eyes met Abby’s and suddenly Abby realized that this was an intentional move on her friend’s part. Erin, however, was none the wiser, and was putting up a bit of a fight. 

“HEY! I can take care of myself!” She wrenched her arm out of Patty’s grip and stumbled into the coffee table. When she threw her arm out to catch herself, she swept a large pile of puzzle pieces onto the carpet. A collective groan went up among the more sober members of the group. 

“I can fix it!” Erin yelled, reaching for the puzzle.

“Oh no you don’t,” said Patty, pulling her away before more damage could be done. “You’ve done enough for one night, girl. Now say goodnight to Abby and Holtzy and let’s get your ass an Uber.” Erin flung her arms around Abby’s neck, bringing with her a strong smell of red wine. Abby squeezed her tightly and felt the jealousy that had seeped in evaporating almost instantly. Her friend was clueless.

“Love ya Er,” she smiled into her hair and made eye contact with Patty. “Make sure she chugs some water before she passes out.”

Patty scoffed, but wrapped Abby in a sideways hug with her free arm. “This ain’t my first rodeo.”

Holtz slapped Erin on the back, told Patty goodnight, and waved as they shut the door behind them. She crouched down and started gathering the pieces that Erin had knocked away. 

“I know she has a low tolerance for alcohol, but somehow it still manages to surprise me.”

Abby laughed and crouched next to her, transferring a fistful of pieces back to the table, “That’s one thing that has never changed. She’s a cheap drunk.” Abby felt her pulse quicken as she contemplated finally making a freaking move. She wasn’t sure how to do it. Should she just kiss Holtzmann and see where it led? Or would it be better to talk about it first? God, words were hard. 

By the time Abby had gathered her thoughts, the puzzle pieces were all returned and Holtzmann was standing up, grabbing her leather jacket from where she’d slung it over the back of a chair. 

“Well, I should probably get home before the chinchillas think I’ve abandoned them. We should do this more often!” She shrugged the jacket on and made her way to the door. Abby swallowed.

“Holtz…” It came out sounding urgent, almost desperate, and Abby had no idea what was coming next. “Wait,” She cried as Jillian’s fingers wrapped around the doorknob. The blonde released the tired brass knob and turned to look at her friend.

“What is it?” she asked, taking a tentative step across the faded carpet toward Abby.

Abby inhaled, trying to slow her heart, which had begun hammering in her chest. She scratched the back of her neck with her fingers, the nails of which she’d chewed too short to provide any relief to her nervous itch. She grabbed Holtzmann’s wrist, fingers just covering the edges of her feather tattoo, and pulled gently until their bodies were nearly flush against each other, eyes taking in everything from her untamed, frizzy hair to her heavy, scuffed boots. Abby reached out and held both of Jillian’s small, warm hands in her own, tilting her head and raising her eyebrows, a silent question asked. Holtz’s subsequent jerk of a nod and quirk of a smile were all the permission she needed.

She ran her hands up Jillian’s freckled arms slowly, fingertips tickling the wispy hairs at the base of her neck. Her eyelids fluttered shut and her head automatically titled to accommodate their noses as her lips gently pressed into Holtzmann’s. Her insides were electrified as she felt Holtz’s lips move against hers, her arms snaking up to wrap around her waist.

The fingers of Abby’s right hand journeyed softly up the side of Jillian’s face, cupping her cheek momentarily before trailing back through her hair slowly. Holtz hummed into her mouth, squeezing Abby’s waist and allowing her hands to travel south over the curve of Abby’s backside.

Abby pulled back, releasing Jillian’s lips from her own with a soft chuckle. She opened her eyes slowly, her face warm. Holtzmann smiled shyly at her, idly scratching her nose, uncharacteristically quiet. Abby smoothed a hand over her hair, forcing herself to break the silence.

“Wow.”

Holtz grinned hugely, muttering, “It’s about time!” before reaching for Abby again. “I’ve been hoping,” she said softly. 

“Really?” 

“Of course really. I thought it was obvious.”

“Not at all. Why didn’t you say anything?”

Holtz’s hands slid up Abby’s arms, rubbing gently. “I knew you had enough on your plate to begin with. It wouldn’t have been fair to add something to it.”

“Fill my plate. Please?” Abby inched closer.

Holtz chuckled softly, pressing her forehead to Abby’s. “Don’t have to tell me twice.” She kissed her gently, wrapping one arm around her waist and placing her free hand at the base of Abby’s neck. 

As she stood there, kissing her best friend, holding her in her arms, Abby was certain this was one of the best risks she’d ever taken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *squee* Hope you liked it! You can thank the writing class I'm in for finally pushing me over the hump to get this chapter out. There's an epilogue coming and then we're done here!

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspired by Amy Tan's book "Saving Fish from Drowning".
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr @ ABakersTrilogyHas4Books. 
> 
> Feedback is appreciated.


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